


mister coherent

by mosaicos



Category: Free!
Genre: Free! Eternal Summer, Gen, Haruka introspection, Makoto introspection, OT3 friendship, Post-Eternal Summer, Yamazaki Sousuke (mention), future choices and growing up, leaning towards OT4 friendship mentions, post-highschool graduation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-09
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-02-24 18:42:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2592173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mosaicos/pseuds/mosaicos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Haru learns about change and growth in Tokyo, reminisces about certain things, struggles to show how much he cherishes his friends, and finds out that being eloquent doesn't mean saying a lot of words; just the right ones that need saying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the future is waiting for you

"I'm off to Tokyo now."

Half a year ago the idea of his future was a daunting one; where was he going to go?, what was he going to do? It was so that it created ruptures in his relationships with his friends. It locked his connection with water to something uncomfortable and limiting, suffocating and terrifying.

Half a year ago he had not wanted to take a step forward out of the walls he had created to avoid facing the reality of things. 

It does not escape his knowledge that without his friends—Makoto, Rin, Nagisa, Rei—he would not have been able to climb them at all.

But half a year ago presents Haruka Nanase in a different light from his present self. Wrapped in layers of warm clothes and his carry-on bag strapped onto his shoulders, he's ready to board the plane which will take him to Tokyo. He is excited at the prospect of his chosen university track, and the move has brought him slightly closer to his mother and father living there. He's not afraid and unsure like he was before, much less stubborn about doing things he wants to do. He's willing to give this a try—to give this new experience a chance. To aim for something worth his time, worth his effort, worth the distance between those who have conspired enough to reach and meddle into his heart.

The thing he worries about the most right now is not his journey there or how he'll manage the train connections with his suitcases to his new apartment, but the fact that he is boarding the plane alone.

Makoto's parents and his twin siblings are seeing Haru off at the airport, but Makoto is not there. Makoto had left for Tokyo two weeks before, driven there by his parents in that strangely familiar way they always did things: together. 

_That_ was the daunting part. Without Makoto there to speak for him, Haru was sure he would get lost. 

"Thank you for looking after me all this time."

The warm embraces he gets from the Tachibana family before he heads towards the boarding gate put a smile on his face, make a sharp pain in his nose force him to sniff, and offers him enough courage to return the affectionate touches. 

—and, after a silent trip through the large halls and through security scans and waiting rooms, he boards the plane that will fly him to Tokyo. And so he bids goodbye to Iwatobi, but knows that at least, now, he isn't flying away to try and find meaning within himself. He is flying away to use the meaning he found in Australia with Rin to change himself. He has that strength now, and he is no longer afraid of what the future holds.

***

_"You're already packed?" the surprise in his voice couldn't be hidden, even if he tried. Haru stood at the doorway to Makoto's room, the door already open; it is bare now, except for the furniture and a number of boxes crowding its space._

_Makoto looks up, pausing in the action of putting tape over the opening of a box marked 'BOOKS'. There is a sheepish look on his expression, the smile not quite reaching his eyes, which he diverts to the side in an embarrassed manner._

_Haru lets time stop still as he awaits an answer. The wind outside blows against the curtains that will remain after Makoto's parting._

_"I told you last week. My room's lease starts tomorrow," the silence is broken and the scratchy sound of stretching tape reminds Haru to breathe. He's heard all this before. It's not easy to get used to it however. The idea of Makoto doing his own thing, without him, that is. "I have to go there to sign the papers on time. My parents are going to drive me there."_

_The words are cautious and so is the glance Makoto throws his way. Haru realises its his cue and shrugs, trying to keep nonchalant about the situation. He walks up and sits on the lonely chair, looking down as Makoto returns to his work._

_"It's really happening."_

_"Huh?"_

_"You're going to Tokyo. Then I will, too."_

_It's not that Haru can't communicate. It just comes as a very difficult action to him. He's been trying to accommodate recently, being more open about voicing his feelings and thoughts, trying not to rely on his and Makoto's bond._

_Because, in Tokyo, Makoto won't—_

_"I know. It's a little bittersweet, isn't it? The twins have been really upset. I'll miss home a lot," Makoto stands and carries the box to put atop another one that reads 'VIDEOGAMES'. "But you've heard Rin, right? He's really excited about being in Australia and seems to be having a lot of fun, so I... I can't help but feel the same about Tokyo!"_

_Makoto won't be there in Tokyo with him at all times. Makoto might change in Tokyo. Makoto will grow in Tokyo without him._

_It really is not that Haru can't communicate. He just gets lost in his thoughts and inner monologues to actually voice anything at all, leaving for awkward pauses and one-sided conversations to take hold._

_"...Haru?"_

_They both promised each other that this would be for the good of one another. They would be without the other at all times, they would change, they would grow._

_"I remember when you wouldn't join the swim club if I didn't go with you."_

_Makoto laughs, eyes crinkling at the corners, "Really? At a time like this?", but Haru isn't finished._

_"Now you're going to university on your own, live in your own room, attending classes of your own interest."_

_"We're really only 45 minutes away by train. It's a lot more than the minute we're used to, but I think we'll manage."_

_Haru has to look up from his hands, fingers curling inwards. Makoto grew up to be a soft-spoken, generous young man; his words carefully picked out and beyond reassuring. It's a huge difference from his shy, nervous younger self. He wonders if throughout the years he instigated that change for the better. His throat feels tight._

_"Makoto, I—"_

_"Haru. It's okay. I know."_

_It's like a parting gift, what Makoto gives him now. They'll say their goodbyes tomorrow before Makoto gets in the car with his parents but it'll be superficial; tonight, they really bare their hearts to the idea that nothing will be the same anymore._

_It takes a lot of courage from the both of them._

_"I'll look after the twins. It's just one day. So you don't have to worry about it."_

_His best friend laughs, walks over, and though neither are used to much physical contact between the two of them, Makoto wraps his arms around Haru's smaller frame. Haru, in turn, returns the favour._

_"You'll do great, Makoto."_

_The two spend half an hour before dinner loading up mister Tachibana's car with Makoto's boxes, sharing glances and knowing smiles, memories recited with quiet words._

***

Tokyo finds Haru, rather than Haru finds Tokyo. It is fastpaced, it is loud, it is full of bright lights. It is crowded.

Two months in and he still does not get used to the disimilarities to Iwatobi. Sometimes at night he cannot sleep because it isn't dark enough or it isn't quiet enough, and his thoughts whirl and whirl, a struggling feeling in his gut. 

It isn't unlike living on his own back home. He cooks for himself, he does his own laundry, he cleans after himself, he does his groceries. What is a little different is that Makoto's constant visits to his home have been replaced with a lack of his friend and a more increasing presence of his parents. 

Haru hadn't chosen to go to Tokyo because of Makoto. There were other schools, there were other places he could go to, and he understood that Makoto wanted space to grow into himself. The last thing he wanted to do was to deter him from that. But he couldn't just go to Australia with Rin; he had no connections, as much of a great swimmer as he was. His parents, however, insisted that he go to Tokyo. They would find an apartment for him near campus, pay the rent, and be able to get together as a family more often than what they could with the Iwatobi-Tokyo distance from earlier years.

It was easy for him to agree. Things always seemed to fall into place for him, one way or the other, so this was another continuation of the fact. Every other weekend he would find himself in his parents' apartment, doing his homework and getting fed a silly amount of mackerel, running around the neighbourhood to keep up with his training. Sometimes Makoto came with him, but that was a rare occurrence. Makoto was busy more often than not.

It's rainy season and Haru finds himself one monsoon-flooded weekend trapped inside his parents' apartment. Leaning against the couch, with the balcony door half open, he hears the sound of the rain, staring without focus at the rushing raindrops on the glass. 

He wants to go running. He doesn't like being bound like this, anymore. He bounces his leg impatiently.

"Haru, your dad says your mother is going to be staying at the mall for a bit longer, see if the rain stops. Otherwise she's staying with Kuwabara-san for the day." 

Makoto is there, too, he remembers, and sits up straighter, more attentive. It's one of those weekends Makoto was freed from other responsibilities.

"—ah, did you open the door? Water's coming in!"

As his friend hurries to close the door and collect some kitchen towels to dry up the puddle of water forming inside, Haru's father, Daiki Nanase, steps out from the hall and looks expectantly at his son. Their blue gazes meet, and Haru's the first one to look away.

This isn't changing. This isn't growing. He feels stuck, continuously on the same stream of helplessness, even when he feels the motivation to swim and keep up with his land training and diet. 

Daiki instead of noticing the tension on his son's eyes claps his hands and grins. "Who wants hot pot?"

***

_Haru was annoyed._

_"Alright! Alright! The first official Haruka and Makoto sleepover. What kind of fun things do you kids want to do? Play hide-and-seek? Eat sweets until you're both sick? Or would you rather I tell you some great stories from the city?"_

_Haru was annoyed because his father was making this a big deal when, in fact, he has had previous sleepovers with Makoto before. Right now, he just wanted to sit with his grandmother and help weed the garden, and then watch TV with her after dinner. That was routine. That was the usual._

_"I bet Ma-ko-to wants chocolate, huh?"_

_Haru was even more annoyed that Makoto was giggling himself silly as his father attacked his friend with tickles and tugged the both of them into tight hugs._

_His father went a lot back and forth between Tokyo and Iwatobi. It had been so for two years now, coming back for a few weeks every several months. He always came back the same: loud, annoying, full of stories, annoying, with sweets and toys, annoying, and unable to stop pampering the next door neighbour's son._

_Haru ends up disappearing and playing with his toys in the living room. Makoto finds him after several minutes and plops down on top of a majestic orca plush—a recent present from Haru's father. Haru only frowns in confusion at his friend and tugs at his pajama top, to cover the skin of his back._

_They can hear Haru's father messing around in the kitchen. That was usually his mother's job. Then what— ah, that's right._

_"Haru-chan," begins the quiet, nervous voice of his friend. "Wha..what is it like?"_

_His frown deepens._

_"Don't call me '-chan'."_

_Something is bothering Makoto, though. The boy twists and turns his face to press it against the plush toy._

_"...what's what like?"_

_There is a long pause, and Haru thinks Makoto must have fallen asleep. So he returns to his toys, building a structure or another for his toy cars to go through._

_Until, the soft squeak comes up again, with a better formed question, "what's it like to be a big brother?"_

_Makoto's parents were in hospital. The twins were going to be born any time now. Haru's mother and grandmother had gone with, his father looking after them to later drive them there when the babies had been born safe and sound (there had been some complications throughout the pregnancy; the Tachibanas wanted to be careful of what Makoto would be exposed to if things went wry)._

_Not quite having an answer for Makoto, Haru simply ruffles his hair. The younger boy turns his head and smiles, understanding, relieved.  
_

***

It wasn’t until years later that Makoto’s question rings in his ears again, out of some forgotten memory, and he finally understands the weight of those words.  


Haru wasn’t a big brother. He didn’t have any younger siblings.

Makoto considered him his brother.

It hurt a lot, so much now, that he had taken for granted all those years when they were together so often. Whatever kind of big brother Haru had been for Makoto, Makoto had surpassed him; he never behaved like a good one. Makoto’s loyalty made a lot of sense now. 

And now, now that he wanted to relish in their bond, they had reached the stage in their lives where siblings grow apart and go their own separate paths.

That was the painful feeling in his gut ever since he got to Tokyo.

***

“Sorry, Haru. I promised Jiro-kun we would study for tomorrow’s exam at the library today with two other classmates. Akane-chan and Ken-kun,” it does sound like Makoto is still in campus.

Silence governs where there was supposed to be an answer.

“We can go this Sunday, though. I’m completely free then!”

“I have a swimming competition in Chiba.”

“—oh, that’s, that’s right. You mentioned it earlier this week...”

_Maybe we should stop trying to make plans together anymore._

“In that case, Haru, I think I could—“

“I have to go.”

***

_He realises something, sitting in his bathtub one morning._

_He always seems to get what he wants._

_Not in a manipulative sort of way, or anything. He puts little effort in his relationships and little effort in his passions, yet people still flock to him wanting to befriend him and know what makes him tick; people call him inspiring and beautiful and graceful and worthy of admiration. He doesn’t understand why. He just does what he wants, when he wants to, and neglects human interaction like it’s none of his business that someone bothered to direct themselves to him._

_Why didn’t they focus on Makoto, instead? He was the one speaking for Haru all the time. Surely a nosy guy like that would gather some admirers for having to put up with such a shitty guy like himself. Surely they would notice the shake in his hands after he climbs out of the pool, having once again conquered his fear of bodies of water. Makoto was kind, loving, giving—why was he, Haru, the one getting praise, the one with people trying to push him to do his best?_

_Makoto was like Rin. Rin was admired and loved by many, he had proven as much this last year of school, and there was something positively_ romantic _about the way he did, said, and envisioned things. Rin had no limitations, nothing—no one—that weighed him down, anymore. He was passionate, full of himself, sure, admirable. He and Rin were two sides of the same coin, despite their incredibly opposite personalities and demeanour. He and Rin were the stars, the natural prodigy and the hardworking genius._

_Makoto was average. Makoto didn’t strike any matches, didn’t light anyone’s eyes with inspiration._

_Why was that?_

_If anyone deserved it, like Rin, it had to be Makoto. Not him. Not Haru. Not himself.  
_

_Yet he was still the one getting reached out by scouts, despite messing up at regionals. He was the one being the pride and joy of Iwatobi Highschool. He was the one teachers and parents expected great things out of. He was the one Coach Sasabe boasted about the most to his staff members and students at the Iwatobi Returns! SC.  
_

_All he had to do is say it, and the world would deliver whatever it is he had asked for._

_He had a sinking feeling, as he sunk further down his tub and held his breath, only his eyes over the clear line of the water, that he was the reason Makoto’s growth wasn’t appreciated as it should have been._

__

***

The swimming competition in Chiba is one of many sports events taking place on that day. It isn't a very important one, nor formal, but his coach had insisted that it would be a good opportunity to measure himself against other swimmers his age who were also going down the competitive track.

Rin was nagging him about it too, wanting to hear all about it afterwards and how Haru better get first place in his heat.

Haru only felt slightly bitter that for all Rin is excited about, it's the first time in weeks he gets a call without Haru having to prompt him. Haru only feels slightly bitter that he didn't get to see Makoto this week at all. 

As he steps up to his diving platform and adjusts his goggles, his ears pick up on his name being called from the crowd.

" _Haruuuu!_ "

It's Makoto. 

It's Makoto, waving widely at him from one of the front stands, standing and wearing his Iwatobi jacket.

He doesn't realise how he reacts, because the signal is already ringing and he gets into position; hands on the starting block, toes curling against its edge. Adrenaline is already thrumming in his veins, pumping his heart in an excited feeling, and he pretends Rin is beside him, grinning toothily and taunting him about getting first place.

When he dives, the water feels just right, like it always has when Haru is at his best.

A little unsurprisingly, he makes it first in his category, an easy win. 

It's Makoto offering his hand to pull him out of the pool. He doesn't question how he was even allowed through, but then again he misses on the number of unofficial club members and non-swimmers walking about now that the race is over. His heart feels light and there's a smile on his face.

"You did it, Haru!"

***

They take the train to Tokyo together, later in the afternoon after the sports events are over and the sports centre starts closing.

"I was surprised," at Makoto's indulgent smile, he adds, "to see you in the stands."

"I did say I was completely free on Sunday."

Haru gets that feeling again, that he is receiving something big for the little effort he's put into things. 

"Have you told Rin yet? I know it wasn't a main event or anything, but he'll be interested in your times," Makoto looks through the folder Haru's coach had given him an hour after the event. "You've improved a lot."

It's almost unfair how Makoto sounds absolutely, sincerely proud of him and his achievements. He feels it's unfair because he doesn't find himself being proud of Makoto when he does well in an exam, or when he goes out to karaoke with classmates; he feels jealous, instead.

"You're not waiting for him to call you, right?"

Haru almost bites his tongue in surprise and shoots a glare at Makoto, eyes darting away from the train's window. _Stop doing that_.

"—sorry," is the laughed apology. "It's just that Rin mentioned that you don't call him. You know how he is. He's worried you'll find him annoying if he calls you every minute of every day."

The look Haru sports is a hurt one, out of confusion and puzzlement. Rin's spoken with Makoto? Makoto has been talking to Rin? How often? When?

"I mean, it's not that he would _literally_ call every minute of every day..."

Makoto seems to finally get it, and he seems to be choosing his words carefully. Haru waits, expectant, knowing that the next couple of words will give him something that he's been sorely missing out on. 

"...sometimes, it's nice to hear from you first too, Haru."

And they really were words to bring into perspective what he has been missing out on. Makoto looks a little sad, he notes, and there's guilt in his blue eyes as he looks down at his hands on his lap. 

The silence is tense. 

Makoto doesn't try to break it.

All this time, he never thought that he had to give in order to get. He grew up giving very little, sometimes none at all, and receiving plenty in return. It's a foreign feeling, but he can remember the ache of not receiving at all when he wanted to the most. Like a child, he would throw a tantrum with cold shoulders and angry glares: _if I won't get what I want, I won't budge to ask for it._ Makoto had always humoured him.

He wasn't anymore.

Makoto was growing. Was he growing, too? (Not at this rate, no.)

"...I miss Rin."

The smile Makoto graces him with is soft. There's an arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer. "I miss him too."

They weren't at all much for contact like this. It was embarrassing, at worst. Makoto was changing. But with this one-armed hug, all those weeks of welling anger and welling jealousy leave him; the distance is breached. They are not together all the time now. They need to find new ways to show that they are still close, despite the distance. 

"I miss you a lot too, Haru."

It is good to know that he isn't the only one feeling lonely. 

"Yeah."

The change has been rough on the both of them.

***

The change has been rough on the _three_ of them.

"Rin, are you going to cry?"

"Shut up, Haru!"

Makoto laughs beside his best friend.

"It's the first time you say something like that! I didn't expect you to call me to tell me you _missed_ me, you idiot."

And an hour long conversation between the three of them, voicing out their worries, their fears, how it gets crippingly lonely from time to time. 

Haru's worries that neither Makoto nor Rin were reaching out to him.

Rin's worries about reaching out too much and becoming annoying.

Makoto's worries that Skype calls and text messages would stop at some point and they would fall apart.

But change hasn't been bad at all.

Makoto has learnt to cook more than two dishes without messing up, and he's promised to make it for the two of them sometime.

Rin has learnt to stop beating himself up over his failures, using them as a foundation for improvement, and hasn't hit a wall like the first time he had been in Australia. (He cries less, he claims.)

Haru has learnt, in this moment, that he's been stupid to doubt his friends, to be angry at them, to be jealous of them. 

"I'm glad we had this talk." 

He says quietly, and Rin moves away from his webcam to rub viciously at his eyes.

***

"Oi, Makoto. Have you seen Sousuke around in campus? He told me he's attending there and getting physical therapy for free from the health department there."

Makoto looks up from his glass of ice tea.

"Yamazaki? —I haven't seen him, sorry."

"What, not even at the pool?" Rin growls behind his sharp teeth. "Have you been swimming at all since high school?"

Makoto's reply begins with a squeak, putting up his hands apologetically. "I haven't... had the time, lately, it's just..."

"Stop that. Stop that right now!" 

Haru can't understand where Rin's anger is coming from. They were laughing at a joke earlier, so the sudden mood change is a little jarring for him. Makoto tenses next to him, looking down with a forlorn expression. It feels like there's something he doesn't know that the other two do.

"You're still beating yourself up over that race? You did a mistake. It _doesn't_ mean you're _not good enough_. You love swimming. Don't you?"

He knows 'that race' can only mean one. Concerned, he turns his face to Makoto, who is now biting his bottom lip.

"Makoto..."

"I don't want to swim with _just_ Haru. I want to swim with you too, Makoto! With Sousuke, too!"

If Makoto could shrink unto himself, he would. He's trying hard to, shoulders hunched and expression haunted.

Rin is about to say more but Haru stops him, looking straight at the screen. He knows, realises, _feels_ that Makoto is trying hard to speak up. It still scares him to do something as bold as that. So Rin slows down, breathes deep, and shows patience. Makoto isn't like Sousuke, someone he could push until answers came out.

"I... want to swim with you guys, too," comes the shaky answer after a few minutes. "I never want to lose that." 

"Then—"

"I can't keep up. I can't be like you, or like Haru. I want to— I wanted to be, but" a deep sigh interjects "I'm too clumsy, I can't pace myself properly, I'm not made for competitive swimming. Please stop saying I could be if I tried, if I still wanted to. I want to be happy with my choice."

That shuts Rin up.

Haru can't imagine the amount of messages Rin must have at some point throughout the year kept sending Makoto, prompting him to pick up competitive swimming again, to join him and Haru, that Sousuke would be doing the same, soon. 

"Sorry."

It is Haru who apologises.

***

_"Why do you always come here?"_

_"Because you'll be late for school, Haru..."_

_"I don't need your help. I'm fine. Go away."_

***

Makoto is fixing the futon on the floor next to Haru's bed. Their Skype conversation with Rin took a turn around when they all apologised. They tried to talk about happier things, but there was an incredible tension surrounding their words.

Just as Makoto is settling in to sleep but before he can wish Haru good night, he speaks.

"Why did you always come back?"

Needless to say, it catches Makoto by surprise.

"What do you mean?"

"In middle school. After Rin left. I didn't treat you like a" _brother_ dies out in his throat "friend should have. We were in different classrooms, you could have—"

" _Haru_ , please."

He shifts in his bed and sits up.

"Rin said something, about that race. The one where we raced together, wasn't it? Last year."

Makoto doesn't answer, but Haru can see the tension on his back which is facing him.

"Do— Do you hate me. Have you ever hated me."

Maybe Makoto's asleep. Perhaps his childish question went by unheard, perhaps for the better.

Instead, "I never understood why things seemed so easy for you, is what I used to think when I was younger. I know they weren't. With your parents, your grandmother, swimming, everything— I, knew, to some extent why you felt that way." 

"I was jealous of Rin for a long time. You stopped swimming because of him, after he left, even if I really wanted to. I was jealous that Rin returned and you wanted to swim again. I was jealous that Rin could swim with you after high school, and I—"

Haru can't breathe.

"And I was stuck at 'if I work hard, _perhaps_ I'll reach their level'. Scouts didn't approach me at all. I wanted it, badly."

Haru didn't know.

"But I've never hated you, Haru. I've never hated Rin, either. You're my best friends, the both of you," Makoto sits up, and Haru swears that he's never seen Makoto cry since they were children; and he's so close to it now. "And—you're like a brother to me."

Haru's eyes sting, too.

"...I don't want to think that swimming alone defines what we are to each other."

Haru is afraid.

"It doesn't. Makoto. _It doesn't_."

***

Haru now finds out not to wait to be reached out for, but he forces himself to reach out for others first. Makoto is busy with his studies and has different class hours than him, and his free periods find Haru training in the pool, and before he knows it, it's past seven at night, and Makoto's studying in the library or out with classmates.

He learns to look up what time it is in Australia and fight back his growing anxiety whenever he sees Rin sign in on Skype, and actually press the call button after one or two minutes have passed. Rin doesn't always answer, but Haru always gets an apology on the chat window or on his phone. 

Rin, like Makoto, is also busy. Rin, just like himself, has to train hard. 

The swelling uncomfortable pain in his gut the first couple of months in Tokyo starts to simmer down after he realises what it is: jealousy. It becomes an absurd idea when he realises that Rin and Makoto aren't holding secret chats without him. It shapes into happiness when Makoto messages him at random times during the day, asking to meet up; when Rin calls him on his phone during dinnertime and talks his ear off. 

He pulls his own weight, too. He calls first, he messages first, he makes plans, first. 

***

Winter holidays' plan was Haru's idea, after all.

***

When Haru sees Rin again it's a few months later. They're in Rome, Italy for a swimming event. They're swimming in the same heat, and Rin makes a point of glueing himself to Haru's side the moment he catches sight of him.

When they swim, Haru feels the thrill running through his veins, making his soul pulse in excitement; the challenging glance and grin from Rin shatters whatever nervousness was building in him at the idea of swimming in such a big event. 

This is where he wants to be.

This is where he belongs, with Rin.

"That was amazing, Haru!" 

"Yeah."

"A man of few words, as always," Rin teases, an arm slung over his shoulders, jabbing at Haru's side with his fist. "Let's hit the showers and watch the rest."

They'll be flying to Japan together after the week of events is over. They're getting two weeks off, one of those weeks matching with Makoto's time off from university too.

They're both competing for Japan so it's great to be in the same team, again. Even if they only know two or three faces, at least they have each other. They have a lot of time to get to know the other Japanese swimmers before they make it to the Olympic team. For now, it seems important that they beat down on the eggshells they've been walking on since that Skype conversation.

They skirt around it, though, until the moment when they're about to board the plane back to Tokyo.

It starts up simple, with "Makoto says he'll wait for us at Gate E," Rin looking at his phone at the text message he just received. There's a snort, "I hope he remembers we'll be there tomorrow, not today."

Haru glances up at the clock overhead, walking slowly in the cue, his passport out in his hands.

"Yamazaki is already there, isn't he?"

"Yeah. He made it back to Iwatobi over the weekend, under Gou's insistence." 

"Makoto said he's getting better. Swimming."

"Mmh. I didn't think he would go for it. Makoto, I mean. After that talk..." and Rin knows he's spoken about his worries more than what he intended to do.

Haru waits until they're past the check-in area and walking towards their gate's (Schiphol was confusing to him, despite how organised and large it was; he was thankful Rin was with him) waiting area, before he answers.

"Rin, if Makoto and Yamazaki both decided not to have joined the swimming club in their university, would you be angry at them?"

The redhead fumbles, brings his sleeves down from his elbows to his wrists.

"...I think I would be," he steps onto the moving floor platform, _please mind your step_ , and Haru keeps up with him as Rin starts walking rather than stand on it. "I know what you're saying. I spoke with Makoto at length about it. With Sousuke, too."

Haru waits, struggles to find his balance once they step off the moving platform, the change of speed disorienting.

"Swimming doesn't define our friendship. It's a big part of it, but if they're happy, if you are happy, and I am happy, there's no reason to stop being friends over _swimming_."

Rin has grown up, too. 

Haru holds onto his elbow suddenly, tight and firm, and looks Rin square in the eyes when the redhead stops by the other moving platform, turning towards him. "Wha—?"

He's smiling, and it makes Rin break into a smile of his own, snickering like they're sharing a secret between the two of them. 

"Thank you, Rin."

And then forcefully pulls him to walk beside the moving ramp; Haru is not a fan of those things.

***

It's still hard for Haru to communicate properly, face to face. He has grown, he has changed, learnt from his mistakes in relationships while in Tokyo. He's opened up more, that's a definite, but it might take more than a year for him to achieve being absolutely comfortable in saying what he means.

Thankfully, he knows he has friends who understand him even without words being exchanged. He will never take this for granted, not anymore. 

There is no way he can properly convey, yet, how thankful he is to those he feels the closest to right now. He feels a great weight lifted from his shoulders, a chance to make amends, positivity growing from him towards his future.

He doesn't just need Rin. He needs Makoto, too. And, because Rin needs Yamazaki, Haru does too. They can only achieve their best when they're all in harmony, when all four of them are content. It is by no means a simple task (Makoto harbouring pain he had no idea about; Rin being insecure about things that _are_ ; Yamazaki warming up to him _at all_ ), but he realises it has to do with them learning to communicate better.

At least Makoto is helping smooth things out with Yamazaki, since they're in the same university, Haru thinks with a bit of dread. 

He needs to take little steps. He's just glad he's found the courage to step out of the water at all to take them, leaving anchors and chains behind him.

***

Makoto hugs Rin for a long time, under Gate E, and Rin is just as close to breaking out in tears. It's been over a year since the two saw each other. It's not the same connection Haru and Makoto have, but Haru knows that Rin moves Makoto in ways that he can't. He also knows that Makoto moves Rin in ways that he can't, either.

There's fondness, there, like they understand each others' pain too well. 

Haru, childishly, pushes himself between the two after a good three minutes had passed, making Rin and Makoto laugh as they let go. Haru presents Makoto with a porcelain wooden shoes keychain that he had found in Schiphol. Rin, to not fall behind, presents Makoto with a book on Rome's history. It was clear that Rin had thought of a souvenir without consulting Haru until they were on the plane to Amsterdam, and Haru didn't want to come home empty handed.

Makoto beams, smiling wide, and immediately putting the keychain with his apartment's keys and starts leafing through the book.

At the cheerful glance between Haru and Rin, Makoto looks up, looking at them questioningly.

"I'm expecting a lot from this holiday. Haru said he got a ton of shit planned. Can you believe this guy? Actually making plans?"

"For once, you mean?" Makoto grins. 

Refusing to be embarrassed, or flustered, Haru instead links arms with both his friends and starts walking with them towards their boarding gate's waiting room. Both Makoto and Rin look surprised; firstly, at Haru initiating contact, and secondly, at his words:

"It's good to be home."

Perhaps he will always remain a man of few words, but his words carry all the meaning he intends.


	2. unchanging sky

"But Tachibana-kun, why did you choose the 200 meter freestyle race instead of the 100 meter one?"

The way Amakata asks the question is full of genuine curiosity. He didn't honestly believe that he could announce his entry into the freestyle race, against Haruka, without being asked about it.

With a smile on his face, Makoto's answer is quite clear.

"Because I would have absolutely no chance against Haru in the 100 meter race."

The rush of blood felt heavy in his ears, as if he had just exposed himself bare to the rest; if he makes eye contact with Haruka, whose gaze he keenly felt on himself, Makoto is sure he would figure everything out—everything that is boiling uneasily inside.

Instead, "Makoto-senpai, you've worked really hard and spent more time every day training for the 200 meter race, haven't you?" Which, though it feels good to have his efforts recognised, embarrasses him in a way he couldn't quite explain. The race was yet to happen—and while he wants to win, badly, against Haru, he cannot bring himself to actually envision that result.

"I still feel like it isn't enough to compete with Haru, though..." modesty always works in times like these, he has found out. He still cannot turn his eyes to meet his best friend's. 

But when he does, Haruka is already looking elsewhere. He's not sure why, but the smile on his expression falters, the uneasy excitement making his heart swell again.

***

_"I think I'd rather have this one," his eyes are intent on the orange clownfish, one of many other keychains. The seal was cute, too, perhaps a little more so... When he hands the dolphin keychain to his best friend, he really is happy. "Here, Haru-chan."_

_The most prized trophy for the one who is, without a doubt, definitely the best in the water._

_That is, Haru-chan, of course._

***

He makes it first place in his 100m backstroke race, and swims easily to the preliminaries. The uneasy lock in his heart gives way and things start to feel that they might just go right--that he might just be able to give himself a chance to dream a little bigger.

Makoto tries to make his transition between pool, locker room, and the stands a quick one. He's stopped on his way out by a man, much like at coach Sasabe's age, but with an air that spells 'professional' more keenly on his set jaw and sharp eyes. 

He answers the man's question quickly.

"I'm Makoto Tachibana, from Iwatobi High School's swim club."

There is a smile, and the following words nearly knock the air out of him. The man carries a binder with him, and is looking through it, as if skimming over some notes.

"Tachibana-kun, from the backstroke race just now. Hm, a very nice form--a strong kick, yes. I look forward to seeing your other races."

He doesn't provide much, doesn't really say his name (but it's "Yamaguchi Sota,” as it reads on the identification card around his neck, ASSISTANT COUNSELOR neatly in smaller letters under it). 

"I’ll do my best! Thank you!"

His insides well in excitement, and he's hurrying off to join the others at the stands and cheer for Rei. Was that a scout? It's too soon for them to be picking out anyone, but surely they would be taking notes for potential swimmers they would like to contact at nationals. If he just made it to a list, _any_ sort of list, even if just for consideration, that's—

That's—enough, right?

Rei's race goes without a hitch for Iwatobi and Makoto can't help feeling exceedingly proud of their youngest member. Things like graduation, these swimming competitions, and choosing a path for his future have been heavy on his mind lately—as has been the future of the swim club; who will be captain? It's a choice he knows he has to make. It's difficult to choose, between Nagisa and Rei, and every day the choice becomes more and more difficult.

It's a lot of responsibility for what he's used to, but right now what matters the most to him is his upcoming race with Haruka. Scouts will definitely be watching Haruka, but now that he knows they might be watching _him_ too fills him up with a whole new resolve to _win_.

"—in Haru-chan's case, we know he's won even before he competes!"

Nagisa's rice-filled voice snaps Makoto out of his thoughts, and when the words finally make it through to understanding, it's almost like a slap of reality. Even if Nagisa didn't mean it in a way to put down Makoto's ability, it still—somehow—stings.

"That reminds me. Makoto, you're competing in freestyle, too, aren't you?"

And the pressure mounts on his shoulders again. He keeps his smile simple, nothing for it, but he cannot bring himself to say much more other than "yes,” the words stuck to his throat.

"I can't wait to watch!"

He'll be racing Haruka, in a real race, freestyle. 

"Hey, now. Don't forget about my brother and Haruka-senpai's race, too!"

It might not mean much to anyone else—best friend against best friend—a simple race, but there's a lot for him riding on the results of it. Makoto knows Haruka feels there's something about it, even when Makoto hasn't been able to be honest about what it is to his friend.

Makoto wants to win, not to dethrone Haru in freestyle; he wants to win for himself, he wants to prove _to himself_ that this, too, is something he can go for. That he can continue working towards an ideal that he, too, dreams about, even if the results he wants are selfish.

***

_Makoto thinks he sees him during preliminaries, walking around—Yamaguchi Sota. It's just as they're getting ready to leave, after they've swam their relay against Samezuka, after Yamazaki's shoulder injury was exposed to everyone._

_He wants to walk up to him and introduce himself, again, perhaps a little boldly, but after the conversation he almost definitely didn't have with Rin, after Haru's major withdrawal during his race, he's not sure what he's aiming for anymore._

_"Tachibana? Iwatobi, right? Hm... hm, Nanase Haruka-kun is in your team, isn't he? A shame, today, but perhaps he might recover."_

_In the beat of two seconds, it’s clear there’s nothing more to be said._

_It leaves Makoto feeling empty._

_"Don't worry. I'm sure Haru will surprise you and others next time. He really is the best in the water, after all."_

_A statement which earns him a funny look, but Makoto can't tell if it's from the tightness in his voice and the sting in his eyes Yamaguchi must be witnessing—or just that it was a really strange thing to say, with everything that had happened during Haru's freestyle race today._

***

It's Makoto's alarm which wakes him up from troubling dreams. He's in his bed, in his Tokyo apartment, and he has classes in two hours (if he can believe the blurry lines of his clock).

He groans, feeling dampness in his eyes as he rubs them a little angrily.

"Huh…?”

His schedule consists of several classes; Applied Pedagogy 1, Nutrition, Scientific Foundations for Human Movement & Physical Activity (which, Makoto found, was just a fancy—and intimidating— title for Anatomy 101), Children Education, Sociology, and Fitness Management. His workload is more than heavy, some modules easier for him than others, and he’s still adjusting to his lectures’ timetables. That, coupled with how he hasn't really been swimming in the few months he's been in Tokyo, is no reason why he should be having these constant reminders of the swim club he belonged to when he was in high school. He has so many other things to keep his mind busy with.

Things like that, feelings like that, it's best to let them go—lest they fester into something ugly like envy and regret, and then anger towards those who have what he thought could have been his once.

(Makoto isn’t angry—nor does he hate—neither Haru nor Rin.) 

But emotions are fickle; he knows that. He cannot let them take over, because otherwise he'll be left to let his life be dictated by being unable to let go and let bygones be bygones. Makoto knows he's weak, allowing himself to wallow all on his own because he finds difficulty in confiding with others so openly. He doesn't want to be a burden, it doesn't make him happy to worry others. But even that is selfish, isn't it?

He finds his emotions conflicting a lot, lately. He feels stifled, like he's finding it hard to fit himself into his own skin, after all these years. Without a general sense of group-purpose and now having to focus solely on himself, it takes a lot from him; he doesn't know how to work those things out, nor where to even start from. It's frustrating most days, like an itch that won't go away, and it feels like there's so much of _something_ running through him that he doesn't know what to do with it. Once in a while Makoto finds himself sighing into a book, working on homework, an empty-caving feeling in his chest present for less than a second. It's been happening quite often, lately, how he catches himself staring out whatever available window and to the sky, lost in thought. _How is Haru getting along with his new teammates? Is Rei doing alright as captain? —Nagisa and Gou probably have his back, though. I wonder if Rin’s swimming right now..._

And before he knows it, he’s missed several minutes of note-taking.

***

University life was not treating Makoto unkindly. There was no comparison between Iwatobi and Tokyo, but despite that he seemed capable of adjusting and soaking up all the bright lights, loud, crowded sights as if it were a part of himself. His mother said it was because he was young, all these things were easy to take in—and how wonderful that Makoto was able to experience it in such a positive way.

Makoto made friends, which isn’t something surprising—but a fact that caught _him_ by surprise, considering the friends he ended up with.

***

__  
_His first day in Tokyo had consisted of becoming familiar with the neighbourhood his apartment was in alongside his parents, who drove him there, and having a rather encouraging meal about future prospects. They had said they were proud of him, and that elicited a rather embarrassing response of laughter and tears in the middle of a family restaurant. It was going to be tough—but he knew that no matter what, he had made it this far on his own and now was time to prove that he has what it takes to make it through this new chapter in his life._  


_The reality of things hit harder later at night, alone in his small apartment, after his parents left. His mother, ever attentive, kept trying to give Makoto advice and words of encouragement until the very end, while his dad delivered the less-than-stellar jokes dads would make in this kind of situation (Makoto thinks)._

_“—hn, uhm, say hi to Ran and Ren,” Makoto’s voice is quiet, a little uneasy. He misses them terribly, the familiarity that came with being needed, of being wanted, of being looked up to. Makoto’s mother looks at her son with an expression of utmost love, her eyes bursting with emotion._

_It’s Makoto’s father who puts a hand over his shoulder. “They’re a phone call away, but we will. They’ll miss you a lot, Makoto. As will I and your mother.”_

_It’s bittersweet, even though it’s clearly not the end of their family, but now starts Makoto’s life_ without _his family being daily reminders of why he’s glad to have been born Makoto Tachibana of the sleepy, seashore town of Iwatobi._

_He hugs both his parents at the doorway for a long time, trying his best to keep the taut feeling in his throat just that—a feeling, and to keep tears from spilling onto his cheeks and on his mother’s sweater. He will miss home and everything that came with it; his family, school, the cat at the stairs, homemade meals, his friends, the swim club, the fleeting sense of dreams just at his reach. He’ll miss all of it—all the familiarity that serves as nothing but as a warm memento to keeping moving forward._

_Makoto will miss life as it was before, and his mother’s hand brushing the hair on the back of his head consolingly does nothing to dispute the worries of an uncertain future. Even when hours ago he couldn’t tear himself away from the car’s window in excitement at the sights of this new, great city._

__

***

Capturing the familiarity of Iwatobi took a while the first couple of weeks in Tokyo.

Haruka moved into Tokyo and Makoto met him at the Nanase’s apartment, where the hospitality offered by the Tachibana household towards the taciturn teenager for years prior was returned in the form of a meal and unquestionable assistance shall Makoto ever need it. It helped, to feel there was a home for him away from home, and it felt wonderful to have his best friend in the same city, living through the same challenges of being homesick.

That, at least, was what Makoto thought, promises of constant visits and weekend get-togethers shared between himself and Haruka at the station as Makoto waited for his train.

Promises which, try as they might, never came to fruition. Something always came up, or one of them was legitimately busy, or tired after a long week of assignments and training. It didn’t matter at first because, Makoto found, he was starting to be too busy to take notice of time in the sense of urgency that meeting with Haruka would have felt like before. 

Besides—Makoto was making new friends; classmates, all in their first year, guys and girls close to his age who were already residents in Tokyo and wanted similar careers, or who were not sure yet about what they wanted but took the classes for the credit anyway. Most of them seemed to know each other, but Makoto tagged along sometimes to study together, as one of the guys had caught up with him at first and thought Makoto looked pretty smart.

Haruka would understand, when Makoto would put off not being able to join him sometimes for dinner, or when he would turn down invitations to go to Haruka’s parents’ place for the weekend. They had both agreed that moving and the distance would benefit them both to grow unto themselves and go at their own pace; they weren’t supposed to be bound to each other, not anymore.

Makoto can't remember a time when he felt like he belonged so easily in a crowd of strangers. Back in Iwatobi, he was well-known by his classmates and peers, but not quite popular—he never did stand out. Happy with his small group of friends—Haruka, Nagisa, Rei, Gou, Rin—it never seemed important to become active in the social life imposed in middle and high school. He would make friends easily along the way, like Kisumi, but he was never _alone_ in a manner of speaking.

To be approached rather than to approach others is a new feeling for him, one he quite enjoys; it makes his face warm up in excitement and his palms grow a little sweaty with the want to please and be perceived worthy of his new friends. It never felt this difficult before back in Iwatobi, but what he gets as a result for his efforts is the unyielding idea that he really is part of the group—that people don't mind if he swims or not, or if he likes video games, or if he's scared of most horror movie tropes, or that he's never been on a date before. 

"Let's meet again next week. Library, same time?" 

Makoto feels lucky, despite the nagging feeling in his chest; despite standing alone, when everybody's already packed up their belongings and made their way towards the exit of the library.

***

_"—Haru? Did you decide on a club?"_

_"Nah, haven't thought about it."_

_He doesn't ask the question expecting Haruka to have an answer. He asks the question half-hoping Haruka wouldn't have an answer. It makes things easier, in a way, to make his decision based on someone else's indecision. He can't be found to blame for trying out something new if there was never an argument to not do it._

_"I was invited to the basketball club!" his voice cracks embarrassingly with the enthusiasm lilting his tone, but he pushes on nevertheless. "...but, what do you think?"_

_"Nothing really."_

_The answer makes Makoto halt. He had been hoping for... something. _Anything.__

_"You remember Shigino-kun, from your classroom? He invited me to join. He's worried there won't be enough members for the basketball team when we're in our third year," the fumble isn't voluntary, and neither is the exposition Makoto has provided Haruka with. "What should I do, Haru?"_

_But wanting the approval, feedback, _anything_ from Haruka other than his eternal indifference—_

_"If you want to join, then do it."_

_Makoto pushes on. "But you know! Then I won't be able to go to the swimming club that often anymore, right?"_

_"Do the one you want to do."_

_"You know!" —nervous, fretting, teeth on his bottom lip— “I don’t intend to quit the swim club, anyway…”_

_— _anything_ —_

_“I might have… to decline, after all…”_

_“Try basketball.”_

_The nervousness and anxiety in him leave, and Makoto’s staring wide-eyed at Haruka before a smile assembles itself on his features; a big smile, big enough to make his cheeks hurt._

_“Thank you, Haru!”  
_

***

The sunlight reflecting on the white pages of his book make his eyes hurt; the black-print words reaching levels of surreal existence, imprinted into his line of sight, even as he raises his eyes, “we must also be aware that the groups we refer to in various research studies” dancing in his vision. He has to squint to look up at Ken-kun, dark as he stands before the sun.

“Makoto! You’ll work the summary and then make copies for us?”

This isn’t new, but it is novel in the sense that he’s never had any one of his friends rely on him so boldly, so openly, without him having made an invitation towards being selfless.

His answer must be taking more than necessary, because even Akane-chan leans in close, cute in the way she pinches her lips into a pout and shoulders jutting forward, flirty in the way her hand brushes lightly over his. 

“Please, Makoto-kun?”

 _I have an Anatomy quiz on Friday, and Haru’s having a race in Chiba on Sunday. Our presentation for Nutrition class is due Tuesday, I haven’t got the time to do it all by myself—_

“He’ll do it! He’s super reliable. We’re lucky to have him, isn’t that right, Makoto?”

He wilts under the praise Jiro-kun directs at him, and he smiles while looking down, closing his eyes to witness only the raise of different colours behind his eyelids. 

“Yes.”

***

His message conversations with Rin are pretty spontaneous, but they’re also incredibly wonderful in the sense that Rin never gives him a time limit; never says, “sorry Makoto, gotta run,” and leaves him to go with the friends he’s making in his swim club after getting everything he needs to know from Makoto.

( _Ah._ )

There’s a few “how is Haru?,” and “tell him to pick up his phone some time,” but Rin is always— _always_ —asking him how he is, how his day went, what his classes are like. 

Despite the character limit on their chat, Makoto feels free, and in a strange way that sounded sillier when he typed it out and sent it to Rin, it makes him feel less homesick and less alone. 

“ _What’s wrong, Makoto? Are you alright?_ ”

The voicenote was unexpected, but not surprising, despite the lightning speed Rin had sent it after Makoto’s last message. 

Makoto stares at his phone, unsure on how to reply; one hand over his cheek, a bitter smile on his face, the warmth of his tears fogging up his glasses. 

Back then, he never had anyone to go to—to ask him if _he_ was alright.

“Thank you, Rin.”

But the bad habit persists, of thanking others without giving them reason or insight.

***

_“Why do you always come here?”_

_“Because you’ll be late for school, Haru…”_

_“I don’t need your help.”_

_Hands curl into fists._

_“I’m fine.”_

_They hold onto the bottom of his school uniform’s jacket, twisting._

_“Go away.”_

_“Haru—!”_

_But there’s no arguing once Haruka sinks further down into the bath tub. It’s not the first time, and it’s been_ weeks _of this constant struggle, of trying to get Haruka to do more than just stay at home, apathetic and indifferent to the world around him. Questions always sit on Makoto’s tongue, his inability to speak up the real villain in this scenario._

_And as always, Makoto waits for Haruka, standing outside the bathroom, reminding him of the time every five, ten minutes, that they’ll be late for school, again, that they better hurry—and all the while he wonders why he can’t be Rin, why he can’t be Nagisa, why can’t he be someone who stirs Haruka out of his shell, and why he’s always the one forcing away tears and balling his fists when no one’s watching in order to greet the world with a smile as if nothing’s wrong._

_He misses Rin, but he’s never replied to letters. He misses Nagisa, but Makoto doesn’t know what school he’s at now. He misses Kisumi, but he transferred outside of the Iwatobi district for high school. He misses Haruka, who would come around even though he found things bothersome._

_Except that right now, Haruka doesn’t have anyone but Makoto. And Makoto has—?  
_

***

Makoto doesn’t believe his ears, nor his eyes.

“I’m sorry I’m late! My train was delayed—and, and there was a detour. The station was closed, I went around—in circles, and when I got off, I—”

“Tachibana-kun, don’t worry. There was a news report on the incident, so it’s not your fault. I’m afraid your group had to present without you, however.”

Makoto’s notes feel heavy on his shirt’s pocket, but his eyes are wide, fixed on the person standing by the teacher. 

“But you’re in luck, as Yamazaki-kun has just enrolled due to a medical procedure, so please work with him and be prepared by next week.” 

Sousuke’s right arm is curiously in a sling, but he raises his left hand to salute the other. “Yo, Makoto.” 

“—oh, you know each other?”

“Y-yes, hi, Sousuke…” he’s still in shock, still catching his breath from running across campus in an attempt to make it in time to the lecture. It is clear he didn’t make it. He saw his group walking out of the hall but they didn’t say anything to him, they hadn’t even sent him a message asking him why he was late.

“That makes it so much easier, then,” the lecturer, a woman in her late 50s, concludes. She starts putting together her papers, closing her laptop. “And please, Tachibana-kun, make sure you actually do something for your group this time around, rather than leaving for Chiba for a whole day and refusing to contact them afterwards. It won’t do you any favours if this is the kind of attitude you’re looking to have in university.”

Her words are crisp and pierce through him to the beat of her closing suitcase, sharp and scolding. Makoto’s face turns bright red in shame, his throat dry, and he averts his gaze from the two in the room.

“Yes. Thank you. I’m sorry for the trouble…”

***

Rin was right; Sousuke was in Tokyo University, taking advantage of the health department’s willingness to take on his shoulder as a case study for the fourth year students. Makoto and Sousuke decide to catch up after the Nutrition class teacher left, Makoto naming a few quiet places outside of campus they could go to to eat and catch up. Sousuke is more straightforward, however, saying he would rather get started with his backlog of assignments.

“The place I’m staying at is close by. Do you have any other classes for the day?”

“Not really, but I wouldn’t want to impose. We could go to the library instead—”

“Nah. It’s more comfortable elsewhere.” 

Makoto was not entirely sure on how to handle an individual like Sousuke, and didn’t quite know how to approach the invitation, especially with such a strong-will tied behind his spoken words. Sousuke seems to notice Makoto’s uneasiness (something Rin has trained him on, lately), and instead clicks his tongue, offering the other a pat on the arm. 

“You look like you don’t want to be here. I wouldn’t either, after finding out my group stole my presentation.”

“—eh? That’s not—”

“Save it. You didn’t come to Tokyo to waste your time. Besides, half their presentation sounded a lot like input you’d get from Gou. So before I do something stupid like remove this sling from my arm, which I shouldn’t do, and pick a fight with that extremely shitty group of people you’ve befriended, I suggest we go somewhere else.”

***

He and Sousuke work well together, is something Makoto has found. Sousuke is a bit like Haruka, as he had previously discerned, in that Sousuke doesn’t always speak up what’s on his mind; but Sousuke differs from Haruka, too, in that he is at least _vocal_ , and grudgingly asks Makoto for his opinion in return. It’s nice for a change, and Makoto isn’t quite feeling the burn of embarrassment he felt earlier that day.

Sousuke is living close to campus above a local grocery store. A store owned by Sousuke’s father; there’s a chain of the lot, scattered around Tokyo and Chiba, he explains, and his father owned the three-floor building they’re currently at, making his rent cheap—nonexistent at best—and all he has to do for the roof over his head is go to school and help out for a few hours on the weekends. 

“I mean,” Sousuke shrugs his shoulders, peeling a tangerine in his hands. The sling is gone, placed over a chair. “If you’re looking for a job some time, you can always come here. I’ll put in a word for you.”

It makes Makoto curious as to why Sousuke is being exceedingly nice, previous fiasco aside.

“—did Rin put you up to this?”

“Rin would put people up to everything, if he had that much power. Told him if he wanted to make sure you’re feeling alright that he should switch lives with me,” it was a joke, from Sousuke’s apparent grin, but it wasn’t very humorous—even as Makoto laughs nervously to it. 

“I _am_ feeling alright, though.”

“I don’t doubt it. Rin’s trying to make up for what he couldn’t do, before. Don’t worry, I’m not going to interrogate you or make you tell me anything you wouldn’t tell him or Haru.”

They don’t really do much to diminish Sousuke’s ‘backlog’, and Makoto is actually grateful for it. The afternoon focuses on past memories of their lives in Tottori, of swimming together, and their mutual friends. It feels a whole lot more familiar than the past few months Makoto has been in Tokyo, and in a strange sort of way it feels great to have someone like him around—someone who isn’t sure on the footing of his future. 

They compare their schedules, notice three classes in common, exchange phone numbers, and make plans to work tomorrow on their presentation (booking also a Skype conversation with Gou).

“—say, Sousuke, you had a medical procedure done?”

It’s not the kind of conversation to have when one is about to leave, but Makoto’s curiosity is at its peak when Sousuke puts the sling back on, and he figures Sousuke has seen him vulnerable enough already as to allow him getting even.

“Don’t tell Rin.”

Makoto’s smile is strained, but he leaves with that promise, and burning words that make him stutter on his feet. 

“Just like you haven’t told Haru.”

***

Makoto’s mornings are quiet.

They’re a routine of getting up to his third alarm, stretching, and getting ready for class, picking up his already packed bag and MP3 from his desk and heading out. 

Today, he carries an extra gym bag with him.

“Don’t tell me you’ve caved in to him.”

Sousuke falls into step with him, as Makoto exits the bus stop close to campus. This only ever happens on Tuesdays because they both go to the same Nutrition class, as any other day Sousuke is already in campus, in the health department more specifically, going through therapy and working out the kinks in his shoulder. 

“—I’m just going to practice!”

“ _Hm._ ”

“It’s the _truth_.”

“Hmm.”

Makoto sighs, but smiles regardless, putting away with earphones and MP3 into his trousers’ pocket. It’s been a while, but he’s started to understand Sousuke a bit better now. He doesn’t speak much, and he jokes around a lot, especially with a straight face. 

“I told Rin about our presentation last week. He was really excited.”

“I knew I had to blame you for the reason my phone was blowing up with text messages.”

It feels like Sousuke wants him to ask something. “...what did you do?”

“Changed my number.”

And Makoto bursts out laughing, Sousuke feeling proud enough of his joking around to grin, shoving his left hand into his pocket (the sling still present, today), and shrugging.

“You know Rin. He’s glad I have a _friend_ , and he’s glad I can act like your bodyguard.”

“I don’t need a bodyguard. We were pretty even during that water gun battle…”

“Yeah, listen, the less you tell Rin, the more he’s going to assume something is wrong. —so, he’s just worried. Play along until you decide to tell him anything.” 

It feels unfair that Sousuke replies so fast and seems to know exactly what he is talking about. Makoto sighs, as he always does when this comes up, but doesn’t refute the matter this time around. On one hand, Sousuke never pushes it; on the other, Makoto wishes he would, because maybe he’ll open up about it. 

“What time is your so-called practice?” 

“Uh, hm, after six. I have a meeting with my counselor and then I’m going to work at the library, so I think I’ll be heading to the gym at six.” Makoto speaks his thought-out schedule easily, then looks over at the other. “Why?”

Sousuke makes a face of indifference, shoving the door to the lecture hall with a knee and walking in, keeping the door open enough for Makoto to walk in too. “No reason.” His words get drowned out by the chatter in class, and Makoto’s busy making the conscious effort of finding a seat away from the crowded spaces, nervous glances to the floor when he avoids the eyes of his classmates. 

“See ya.”

“See you later, Sousuke.”

***

_His conversations with Rin seem forced as of late. They text as always, but the content is so superficial it leaves Makoto feeling he should apologise every time—but Rin never calls him out for it. It’s been a few weeks since Chiba, since their conversation on Skype regarding their fate as friends in relation to whether they swim anymore or not._

_Rin asking him on whether he’ll try out for the swim team some time has stopped, too._

_Makoto’s fears that it really was all about whether they still swim or not accumulate, and the combination of that and his recent understanding of the friendships he thought he had built on a good foot makes him feel feeble on the inside._

_The message he leaves Rin is hypothetical, hoping (against his better judgement) not to spark any ostentatious reaction._

_It shouldn’t come as a surprise that Rin calls him on Skype the second Makoto signs in, one Friday night._

_“Do you think it’s a mistake to have come to Tokyo? Makoto, are you serious?”_

_“—Rin, I…”_

_“I’m going to sit here until you start talking, even if I fall asleep.”_

_Makoto can’t help laughing, suddenly, causing Rin’s scowl to deepen. Makoto removes his jacket and sits down, having just arrived from class, and turns the laptop’s screen up to go accordingly with his height._

_“What’s so funny.”_

_Rin sounds petulant and embarrassed._

_“Sorry, it’s just that you were just so serious.”_

_“I have to be. What kind of message is this? Is it something I said? I’ve backed off with this whole swimming thing, and I know you’re hanging out with Sousuke a lot more now, and your grades have been doing better. I thought _you_ were doing better?” The question ends vulnerable, worry unable to stay away from Rin’s tone, eyes and overall expression softening. “Makoto?”_

_Yet he still smiles, despite Rin’s worry._

_“I… miss home, a lot. —it’s, look, it’s silly, alright?” Rin’s glance is questioning, though he doesn’t say a word. “I miss being in high school. I miss what we had, as friends, I miss the rivalry and being able to hang out. I miss—so much, and it’s silly because, it’s in the past. It’s no more. —I guess I’m just tired, with all my classes…”_

_“You know, Haru’s right there—”_

_Makoto fidgets, pressing his bangs down over his forehead with a hand.  
“—and you’ve told him shit.”_

_Rin sighs._

_“Makoto… oi…”  
_

***

It’s a quarter to seven when Makoto makes his way into the gym. It’s hardly empty, but the swim team has about finished their practice for the day. Makoto walks in without much ado, into the locker rooms to change into his jammers.

Walking out of the locker rooms is almost like taking a plunge into the pool right before the whistle blows, times and medals at stake. —but he wouldn’t know much about that.

Makoto locks eyes with a few of the swimmers doing their own exercise routine, and Makoto tries to imagine Haruka, Nagisa, and Rei at the stands, cheering for him alongside Gou, while Rin watches from the opposite end, arms crossed and wishing him luck.

He starts a couple of laps with freestyle.

***

_”I promised Haru we would look forward to our futures here in Tokyo. You know how bad he struggled. I can’t just go back on my word…”_

_Haruka was trying hard, getting his act together, training hard, reaching out. It wasn’t fair for Makoto to suddenly go back on his word and make Haruka think that all this effort is for naught, that reality shows that Makoto isn’t as brave and as strong as he had presented himself as; that it’s not worth doing it if it’s just one of them tackling their future head on._

_And that is essentially the problem; Makoto knows he’s been waffling a lot with his future. He knows what he wants, he _knows_ that he wants to coach children on how to swim, that he wants to make sure they see the beauty in it and make memories worth nurturing relating to swimming and their friends, but every now and then he remembers Yamaguchi Sota, he remembers his stupid mistake on his race against Haruka, he remembers the envy bottling up inside him. Of a future that seems less clear than the path Rin and Haruka have for themselves; of swimming professionally, of testing each other to the very limit._

_It’s hard to be the one focusing on the past, when this moment is time is everything someone like Rin has wanted—is everything someone like Haruka has needed._

_“A scout was interested in me, once, and I… I dared to dream… just, if maybe…”  
_

***

He does sets of 200m freestyle.

He paces himself, the way he did while practicing for the race (even if the speed isn’t the same), and he keeps track of how to improve his swimming after every 2 minute break between sets. 

The future was right there.

***

_”Makoto, that’s not the only thing you’ve been worried about, is it?”_

 _Shoulders hunched, Makoto already feels silly and embarrassed from telling Rin_ everything _, or at least as best as his mind could muster._

_He whispers, instead, “Sousuke told you…”_

_“Sousuke told me.”_

***

He imagines what it must be like to have to train in the water every day; of being coached professionally, of comparing one’s own time with other swimmers, of the satisfaction of growing closer to his goals every single day.

A shadow looms over him as he finishes his 6th set, and he looks up. 

It’s Sousuke, wearing his Samezuka jacket and sweatpants, looking menacingly despite having one arm in a sling.

“You can do better than that. Another 200m, come on, let’s go.”

***

_”Whatever happens, Makoto, you have to tell Haru. He deserves to know, and you’re only going to feel worse the more you have to keep it as a secret from him.”_

_“I know that—”_

_“Do you really?”_

_The silence is telling, and Rin sighs. He’s not angry, not really. He’s a lot more worried.  
“My first time in Australia was _really_ bad. I missed home a lot, and I missed my friends. I missed swimming with you guys. The ones here? They had no idea about cherry blossom trees nor what it was like to swim together like _we_ did. I knocked heads with others a lot, and I don’t remember making a single friend. You know what? Now that I’m here again, I don’t know what it was—maybe I was just too damn focused on the past, and I wasn’t sure what the hell I wanted for my future, I just knew I had to get gold one way or the other. And I didn’t get to see what was really happening in the present.”_

_Makoto looks up to see a smile his way; he smiles too, in return._

_“You know the rest. Of my coming back to Iwatobi, making a hundred mistakes—”_

_“—a million—”_

_“Shut up—a few mistakes,” Rin snickers, “and then getting better, because I needed to focus on what I had, and I needed to find a future for myself.”_

_Rin strikes his chest with a fist, not too hard, but enough to make Makoto start. Rin’s been through this and much more, at a much younger age. There’s no shame in feeling like this, he thinks._

_“Haru took a while, too. Remember? You and Sousuke—” here, Rin’s smile softens, “I’m not trying to push either of you to go pro, but you’ve yet to fully consider your options, I think. It’s fine to be happy without swimming, but are you just telling yourself that hoping you’ll believe it one day, too?”_

***

“I—can’t, do anymore—!”

Makoto’s whine is high pitched, reverberating down the walls of the gym. 

“I didn’t ask that.”

“It’s almost 9PM, Sousuke!”

“So?”

“I’m _tired_ —”

“Not good enough. Another lap.”

***

_”Rin. Thank you.”_

_The redhead on the other side of the line grins, even though he’s blinking blearily, feeling sleepier by the second, raw from their conversation, from another interlude of emotion that is becoming too much of a habit, lonely as they are in their first year as university students, away from home._

_“That’s what friends are for, Makoto. Keep me posted, alright? And tell Haru when you can.”_

***

When Sousuke lets Makoto have a break from swimming, an attendant walks inside and turns off the lights, urging them to hurry up, because the centre would close in fifteen minutes. Sousuke is perched over the pool, as Makoto tries to catch his breath, waddling over towards the ladder on the side.

The blue shadows cast from the white, emergency lights makes it seem like the entire room is a pool, and they’re both submerged underwater, time at a standstill, waiting for someone to break through the surface. 

“How was that?”

Makoto smacks Sousuke’s back with his towel, before slumping down on the edge of the pool, feet on the water, completely exhausted from what he can only assume is a small percentage of the Samezuka swimming regime from hell.

“ _Terrible._ ”

“Like your shape. You could do better than that, so we’ll come back here tomorrow.”

“ _Tomorrow?_ Sousuke, I don’t want to—”

“Yes, you do. I’m going to be allowed to swim starting next week, and I need you to get a hang of yourself so you can help me pace myself, too.”

“—you’re… really getting the okay to start swimming? What about your surgery, I thought—?”

“I’m allowed to _swim_ , but I’m going to take it easy.”

Makoto leans forward, nearly tipping into the pool, his hands clutching the edge; he’s really happy for Sousuke. This is the start of something for him, if all goes well, Sousuke might be able to swim again, at some level, perhaps—someday… 

“Stop that. I’m not Nanase.”  


And Makoto is rather unceremoniously pushed into the pool, as Sousuke gets up onto his feet.

***

_”Haru. Rin.”_

_They’re on Skype, the three of them, in their separate apartments and dorm rooms. Makoto only feels a little guilty, to keep them up, seeing how tired they both look._

_“I’m going to try out for the swim team at my university.”_

_Haruka’s eyes shoot up whereas Rin is grinning like crazy, his face zooming into the camera._

_“Makoto, that’s amazing! You’re gonna impress everybody! I know it!”_

_“—you’re sure…?”_

_“Thanks, Rin. And I am sure about it. Sousuke has been coaching me and helping me out a lot. It hasn’t been long since I started practicing again, but I feel like I’ll be able to show the coach that I’ve got potential.”_

_No one needs to say it, but Makoto seems brighter and happier. Rin’s worries are diminished, replaced by utter excitement, whereas Haruka sports a small smile on his face._

_“When is it? I’m going. I’ll bring a camera, send it to Rin, and your parents, and—”_

_Rin leers. “Haru, Sousuke will be there.”_

_“I’m not afraid.”_

_“Eh? No one said you were.”_

_“—shuddup—”_

_Rin’s laughing so hard he’s clutching his tummy, falling back onto his bed. Makoto laughs too, more controlled, and his eyes meet Haruka’s. There’s approval and acceptance in them, despite the petulant, childish look.  
_

***

“—on the count of three. One—two—”

Makoto shouts so loud, strangled syllables—loud enough for the sound to ricochet and echo across the walls of the indoor swimming pool’s room. 

Unimpressed, Sousuke finishes, “...three.”

It is a sheepish Makoto who turns to face the other, face red and scratching his cheek. Sousuke shrugs and rolls his eyes, his usual gesture for “it’s fine,” before urging Makoto to get back in the pool and do four more laps to try and beat his previous time, on his favoured stroke: back.

There are certain things that Makoto has learned in the past few months, ever since he spoke with Rin, started hanging out with Sousuke, and accepted that he and Haruka no longer need to be attached by the waist.

It’s fine to say ‘no,’ especially when he really doesn’t want to do something. It’s not selfish to put his needs over someone else’s wants, and he doesn’t need to feel shame in wanting something different from others—or from failing at trying something. Sousuke has been a great instructor in that sense; Sousuke who, much like Makoto, finds himself on uncertain footing regarding his future, where the scales could tip any which way depending on his choices.

Sousuke never fought for Makoto when his classmates tried to abuse his trademark selflessness not because it wasn’t his place, but because even both Haruka and Rin would have agreed that it was something Makoto needed to do for himself. 

He still isn’t popular, but he’s made better friends and he’s gotten better at talking to others with more confidence, without his face warming up nor his hands becoming sweaty—hilarious as it sounds to him now, knowing that was how he reacted to meeting new people before. But it’s a work in process; his confidence still plummets now and then, but communication with his friends is becoming better—and Makoto is getting better at saying what’s on his mind, without fear of sounding rude or coming on too strong. He’s found a balance, and it’s suiting the life he and his friends are building for each other.

Sousuke’s shared practice of shouting into an empty natatorium—he just thought Makoto needed a way to feel the rush of adrenaline that comes from doing something bold. (It had been funny at first, Makoto’s shouts and yells barely above his talking volume, voice cracking nervously—until he got used to it.)

“Alright, that’s enough,” Sousuke concludes, as Makoto hits the wall with his and ends his set. “It’s better, but it could do some work. But that’s as good as it’s going to get for now. Rest day tomorrow and try-outs on Friday.”

“I could still train tomorrow! I feel like I could—”

“It doesn’t mean that you _should_ ,” Sousuke’s reminder is cold, and Makoto winces, looking up at the arm that still remains in a sling and at the shoulder brace under the layers of clothes. Of course, Sousuke would be mindful of overtraining. 

“—but these past few weeks you were relentless—”

“You talk back now, Makoto? That’s a first,” Sousuke snorts, helping Makoto out of the pool with an outstretched left hand, and Makoto realises in the moment they hold onto each others’ hands and Sousuke pulls him up that Sousuke has always been mindful of how much he trains and how much time off swimming he gets to have. “If I pushed you it was because you needed it, but I’m not going to ruin your chances, either.”

This time, Makoto has already made his reasoning quite clear.

“Thanks, Sousuke.”

The other grins. 

“Don’t be embarrassing.”

Their salute a bumping of fists.

***

The itinerary is tight. He has to check on Haruka to make sure he’s on time for his meet, then go to the grocery store for his part-time job, and then head to the library to finish cramming before going to the natatorium later at night.

“Haru, you’re going to be—!”

Makoto barely makes it to Haruka’s apartment door before it opens, Haruka dressed and ready to go. 

It catches Makoto by surprise.

“Huh? Uh, Haru! Are you ready? We’re going to be late to catch the train and then the bus, but I think we can make it—”

Haruka seems as surprised as Makoto to see him there tilting his head comically (Makoto following the gesture).

“Haru, we’re really going to be late!”

“—Makoto. I’m going with Yoshida on his car. I need to get going, and you should too.”

“Oh?”

“You didn’t expect to see me still in the tub today, did you?”

“Well, I wasn’t… sure…”

Haruka smiles. 

“Thanks for checking up on me, but I should really get going.”

“Oh… hn, okay…” Makoto is at a complete loss. Haruka is smiling amused at his best friend, walking backwards towards the stairs. It takes Makoto a moment to catch up. “Ah! Haru! Good luck, in the meet! Let me know when you’re home, I’ll drop by if I can.”

This wasn’t their usual way of doing things, but it wasn’t terribly jarring, either.

“Yeah. Thanks. When’s your tryouts?”

“They’re in two days…”

“My coach swam for a long time before becoming a coach. I talked to him about it. It’s not a bad idea at all. You’ll do great, Makoto.”

He feels deja vu, like he’s heard Haruka say those exact same words before, but this time they feel full of something—like he actually knows he’ll do great, no doubt about it.

“Thanks, Haru.”

Old habits.

***

_”Even if they don’t look different, the sea and the sky do change.”_

_Makoto turns, smile on his face, elbows on the balcony. This is Tokyo, but the same sun and the same moon and stars from Iwatobi govern it._

_Things have changed in nearly a year, but they’re still the same in the way they’ve changed; they’ve kept their pace, despite the differences they would have found in each other a whole year ago had they remained in Iwatobi._

_“And so do we.”_

_But it’s not_ wrong _; it’s right—and they’re doing it correctly, one step at the time. Makoto and Haruka, and Rin, and Sousuke._  
_  
_

***

Makoto had promised Rin not to tell him about his swimming team tryouts until they saw each other in person again. Now that they’re waiting to board their plane together, to Iwatobi for Haruka’s planned winter holidays, Rin can barely hide his excitement and his desperation to know the results.

Rin jumps so high Makoto barely has time to brace himself for the impact, and they remain an embarrassing pile-up of limbs and laughter, Makoto’s book on Rome history crumpled and mushed against Makoto’s chest, Rin’s purple cap somewhere on the floor, and Haruka covering his face in embarrassment and trying to keep away from the display— _people are watching_.

***

Haruka, of course, already knew.

And Sousuke’s going to gloat about that victory as his own, soon as they reach Iwatobi. 

“I made it to the team, Rin.”


End file.
